We decided in June to go for it. We were finally ready for baby number two! Winter was getting much easier, we were about to embark on a two-week vacation in Hawaii, and my postpartum depression really seemed to be going easy on me. Life was good.

The first time we didn't get pregnant, I wrote about it here. At that time, I thought I wouldn't open up about it much because I honestly thought that we would be pregnant by now. But we're not, so here it goes.

For the most part, Perry and I have been on the up and up, but I think we took a major dip and our communication broke down when I went back to work in August. It is such a huge adjustment going from being home all day to both being gone and working full-time. The house chores began piling up, our quality time together had been sliced in half, and there just didn't and still doesn't feel like there is enough time in the day to get it all done, let alone nurture a marriage.

We tried couples counseling last winter, and while it was beneficial, it was so difficult for us to go on a consistent basis. We've been trying other ways to connect and work on our line of communication, such as doing book studies, having no screen time nights and using safe words when we feel like our conversation is becoming too heated and one of us feels like it needs to tone down.

Trying for another baby is stressful. I am doing my best to not let it become a science project and just enjoy the process (you can read my rant on ovulation strips + temperature testing, here). Every time I get my period, I look to Perry for comfort. I know he is disappointed too, but there is just something about being the person that will carry the baby that makes it seem like you hold more weight during the process. It's like I feel like my body let him down. I know that is just the emotional side of my brain taking over and that is absolutely so far from the truth, but it's how I feel during those moments.

Perry has been so great about it. He continues to tell me that it will happen, that Winter will get a brother or a sister and to not put so much pressure on myself. He’s acting like the rock in this process. I couldn't be more grateful. But, it definitely hasn't been without some growing pains. We’ve had to have a few conversations about the amount of money I’m spending on ovulation and pregnancy tests. There was one time when he challenged me on why I "wasted a pregnancy test" and I just about lost it. Once I calmed down, I explained that I am going to need to test when I feel like testing, buy different types of ovulation tests until I find one that I feel comfortable with, and that I really need him to not make comments about it. I think he understood where I was coming from and I don't think we will have to address that issue again. I also see that he is trying to protect me from testing too early and being let down and for also not wanting to spend money that we don't need to spend.

For now, we are really working on staying present with Winter. I don't want my time to be soaked up with trying to create a future when the most important thing in my life is right in front of me now. Both Perry and Winter deserve me to be in the here and now. So while I keep hoping and wishing for a baby, my gratitude for what I have now lies with them.

I cannot thank Brittany enough for pulling these outfits out of the closet, forcing us to get dressed, walking our butts to this path and for capturing these photos. She is the heart and soul behind Love & LaRock. The memories that she captures on film is a true gift of a lifetime.

Photography by Brittany Renee

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