Where Did February Go? Reflections + Ramblings
The last time I posted was on February 18th. I cannot believe it's been that long since I have said hello to you. These last few weeks have been particularly rough on my family.
Winter was hit back to back with two viruses, and after caring for her for eight days straight, I got the same plague and Perry was left to fend for himself.
I feel like I haven't seen the sky in weeks and to be honest, I am starting to lose myself.
It's incredible how much you crave health when you are sick and then how much you take it for granted when you are well.
I find myself repeating this mantra to help keep my spirits up: "Your body is doing exactly what it needs to. You are safe. You are healthy."
I have also been a little introspective and introverted these past few days as it is the anniversary of the article that I had published explaining my agonizing but hopeful experience with intrusive thoughts and postpartum depression. I don't know why this anniversary is making me feel so much, but I just want to sit with it for a bit and acknowledge that that person was me, and in a way, will always be me. Even though I have come so far from that woman, I am and forever will be changed by that experience.
The other day, I went to use the bathroom at a new family doctor's office that we are trying out (we recently switched insurance) and when I looked up, I was greeted by a postpartum depression flier. My heart sank and lifted at the same time.
It sank because I stared at the woman on the flyer thinking about how disgusted I was with my medical experience because I felt like I slipped through the cracks since NO ONE caught it for me. My heart hurt for that woman in the picture because that woman represents so many women who suffer in silence for months not knowing who to turn to or what to do.
Yet, my heart also soared because here I was at a family practice just casually seeing this flyer. I hope that a woman who is suffering or knows someone who is potentially suffering sees this and calls the helpline on it to get some guidance. The helpline advertised (I will link it below) is the very same helpline that I called. The one that I bawled my eyes out in the car to after a particularly challenging day at work and they listened. I remember that day so well. I didn't want to go inside. I didn't want to see my baby because I knew that she would cry like she did every night for hours and I was tired. I didn't want to be a mom that day. To be brutally honest, I didn't even want to be alive. But I called, and they listened, and they encouraged me, empathized with me and made me feel less alone that day.
So, I guess that's really it. That's where I have been the last few weeks both mentally and physically.
I know I am rambling a bit here, but I just wanted to explain where I've been, where my heart is and how grateful I am to be alive. Now if I could just kick this cold, that would be the icing on the cake!
If you or someone you know is struggling with postpartum depression, anxiety, OCD or any other related symptom, there are some wonderful online support groups. Please visit Postpartum Support International: www.postpartum.net/ or call their Help Line toll-free 1.800.944.4PPD (in English and Spanish).
Photography by Brittany Renee