Since When Did Becoming Pregnant Turn into a Science Research Project?
SINCE WHEN DID TRYING TO conceive TURN INTO A FREAKING SCIENCE RESEARCH PROJECT?
Here is how a typical day goes in my household....and this happens all before 7:30 AM when I have to leave for work.
Wake up.
Remind myself, "Do NOT sit up!"
Lean over and grab the thermometer.
Take temperature.
Record temperature in ovulation temperature app.
Get up.
Go to the bathroom.
Pee in a miniature plastic cup.
Immerse ovulation stick in the miniature cup, making sure that I don't leave it in there too long anddddd that I hold it in there for 15 seconds, no less than 10.
Start counting. Hear my toddler starting to stir.
Think, "Shit, baby! Stay asleep." I have to wait 5 minutes to read this test and if I get you and wait longer than 10 minutes to read it because I forgot about it then the stupid stick is invalid and this will be all for nothing.
Pray and hope for the stupid dark pink line to hurry up and show.
Look at a pink line and compare it to the really bad visual example on the back of the package (that also happens to be in black and white!! Really, if they want you to look for a particular pink color, shouldn't the visual aid be in color??!! How many shades of pink are there anyway? I swear I have seen them all on these stupid sticks!)
Decide that the pink line is too ambiguous and that you hate these strips.
Throw box of cheap ovulation strips with bad directions in the trash.
Tell your husband to go get your daughter up because you are heading to the store.
Go to the store. Buy digital ovulation strips.
Think, "This should be better. I can read smiley faces!"
Come home.
Pee on a stick. No cup this time, thank god!
Pray and hope for a smiley face.
No smiley face. Damn.
Check the two ovulation apps on the phone.
Record results from tests.
But wait, both apps say that I should be ovulating?!
Put phone down and sigh.
Think to yourself, "Tomorrow, I am going to throw all this stupid ovulation stuff away."
Go hug my toddler.
Go to work feeling like I just exhausted all my brain cells for the day and think about how in the hell could it only be 7:15 in the morning?
Think about those stupid sticks all day at work.
Come home.
Do dinner and bedtime routine.
Go to bed.
Wake up the next day.
AND...
Repeat steps 1-100!
Think to myself, "Ok....tomorrow, I am going to throw all this stupid ovulation stuff away!"
***For all of you that are not pregnant or trying to get pregnant, here is a fun drinking game for you. Take a sip every time you read the work, "stupid" or "sticks". :)
