So Long 4th Trimester


I know I am a wee bit late on getting this blog post live, but I did want the chance to write about what the first three months of Lennon’s life was like and here it is. Below is a little round up of common questions I get asked and my thoughts on each topic!

The emotional labor pains of becoming a mother are far greater than the physical pangs of birth; these are the growing surges of your heart as it pushes out selfishness and fear and makes room for sacrifice and love. It is a private and silent birth of the soul, but it is no less holy than the event of childbirth—perhaps even more sacred.
— Joy Kusek

So Long 4th Trimester

How am I doing physically?

I am hoping to write my birth story in the next few weeks. I don’t want to forget it as it was one of the most defining and pivotal moments of my life. To clue you in a little, I had Lennon at a birthing center. I did it unmedicated besides the shot of Pitocin I got in my leg after I had him due to hemorrhaging.

Since he was my second baby, I sort of knew what to expect in terms of recovery. However, the recovery after Lennon in comparison to Winter was vastly different. For example, with Winter my arms, hands, back and neck were so sore from holding onto the side of the hospital bed and pushing for over 2 hours. I had an epidural with her so my body heavily relied on my upper body strength to be able to support myself.

I had Lennon in a birthing tub which saved me from the strains of death griping a hospital bed as mentioned above. However, he was posterior (or sunny-side up) which meant that my back labor was so intense. As he made his way through my cervix, his head was getting stuck on my tailbone and as a result, he had bruises on his forehead where he kept hitting it and my midwifes are certain that my tailbone was broken in the process. THAT was by far the most painful part of it all, my tailbone. It made sitting, laying down, going to the bathroom and walking really painful. It took close to five weeks for it to recover.

At my six week checkup (you can read more about it here), my midwife noticed that my pelvic floor and abs seemed to have taken a beating and recommended that I go to a physical therapist for support. I have gone five or six times and still don’t feel fully recovered. My core feels unstable and I have a hard time getting out of bed if I am not mindful of how I am engaging my core to support me. I have faith that the exercises I am doing are helping, I just think it’s going to take more time.

Breastfeeding was painless this time around. This was the opposite experience I had with Winter. I did have sore nipples for a few days with Lennon and had a major breakdown in Walgreens when I couldn’t find nipple shields, but somehow in a few days, all the minor scabs cleared up and I haven’t had any issues since. With Winter, my nipples were cracked and bleeding for weeks. I don’t know what made the difference this time around. Perhaps it’s because I am more experienced. Or it’s quite possible Winter had a tongue tie or lip tie issue that never got diagnosed. I honestly can not say what made our breastfeeding relationship easier.

How am I doing emotionally?

If you’ve read my blog for awhile, you know that I struggled so much emotionally with Winter that I almost lost the will to go on. I had suicidal ideation and severe postpartum depression and OCD. To say that I wasn’t fearful of getting it again would be an understatement. But, I knew in my heart that I wanted another baby and I felt like I trained for it for three years leading up to his birth- counseling, mindfulness, essential oils, yoga, mindset, acupuncture, you name it, I did it!

When Lennon was 4 days old, I had a breakdown in the bathtub. Winter was in there with me and she kept asking if I was okay. Her big, doe like brown eyes are still so vivid in my memory and I will never forget that day when my three-year-old was my emotional safe haven and helped me through one of the hardest days emotionally in my life.

You see, I started to have anxious, worst-case scenario and intrusive thoughts. I can’t even remember what they were now, but I kept thinking “Here we go. These thoughts will stay and repeat forever. I am showing significant signs of a release of OCD and I don’t think I can endure it.” I called my doula right away. Sobbed to her and expressed my concerns. I also told Perry and he promised me that we would do everything we can to get me support NOW and not wait. I felt safer knowing that I wasn’t alone. With Winter, I suffered in silence for months before I told anyone what was going on. I knew that I couldn’t do that again so the second it happened and I had those awful thoughts, I asked for help.

I ended up spekaing with my doctor to increase my medication for depression a little bit and began taking more supplements like Postnatal Omega-3, D and B vitamins. Thankfully, the thoughts went away and every day from there on out, I felt like I wasn’t going backwards into a depression and felt hopeful.

Now, I feel really strong emotionally. I want you to know that I still have my bad days. I work hard on mental health. I have to. I feel like it’s my duty to my family to keep working on it. My kids deserve a mother who is whole and I deserve a life full of joy. My husband deserves a wife that loves herself too. So EVERY single day I work on it.

Does Lennon sleep?

We co-sleep. For the first few months, Lennon would really only sleep if he was in our arms. Winter was the same way. Now Lennon will sleep in his co-sleeper pillow but I usually end up sideline nursing and holding him for a few hours every night.

I don’t think I have ever been blessed with good sleepers right out of the gate. Last night, Lennon and Winter ended up in our bed (poor W is having nightmares), I am pretty sure Lennon was up every 30 minutes wanting to nurse.

I know Winter became a really good sleeper so I have faith that Lennon will too. But if someone asks if I am tired, I chuckle. I am sooooooo tired.

Has Winter adjusted to being a big sis?

I will NEVER forget Winter’s reaction to Lennon coming home. She greeted us at the door and said, “Momma, is baby Lennon out of your belly?” I eagerly brought the car seat over to her and said, “Winter, meet your baby brother.” She was so excited to get inside with us and immediately asked to hold him. I placed him in her arms and then Winter had the most innocent, sincere reaction. Her lower lip began to quiver and she just started bawling. I asked her if she was feeling big emotions and she nodded. I then asked her if it was weird that Lennon was out of my belly and she said “Yes” with so much conviction. It was so pure. Such a beautiful reaction.

Winter loves her brother and engages with him often. We definitely had spurts where she was more defiant and cried a lot more. She had a hard a time sharing our attention and would beg us to play with her without baby Lennon around. I think her adjustment was pretty typical and what we expected. Big emotions for our sweet three-year-old.

What are some of my top must-have baby products?

I want to keep this list super simple because with Winter, we wanted to use all the things. With Lennon we keep it simple and use only what we need.

  • Clothes: Love anything that zips from the bottom up like these 100% cotton onesies that you can get at Target.

  • Baby Bouncer: This baby bouncer by Charlie Crane is so well built, fits our decor aesthetic (which we like!), and is easy to transfer from room to room.

  • Co-sleeping pillows: We love both the Doc-A-Tot and Snuggle Me Organic.

  • Bear Suit: Lennon loves to sleep in the bear suit. We use it for walks and to keep him cozy during slumber.

  • Bassinet and Stand: We love this Moses basket by Plum + Sparrow and this wooden stand.

  • Other: Products by Frida Baby have been used a lot! The Snot Sucker + Accu-Dose Medicine Pacifier are some of our favorites.

Do we want more kids?

Because Lennon has been such an easy-going baby, we have tossed the idea around about a baby #3. But in my heart of hearts, I don’t think that getting pregnant and carrying another baby is in our future. Adoption however is definitely on my mind and has been for a long time. But for right now, we are counting our blessing and just taking it day by day.

Oh, one last thing: Thank you for reading this. Thank you for being here and remember, you are enough.