So We Didn't Get Pregnant...

When I wrote this post, my view consisted of the beach, waves, and people enjoying the sunshine and beautiful palm trees. There was absolutely no reason to complain. Except, I keep sitting here thinking what could have been and romanticizing the video clip I had imagined in my mind. You see, about a month ago, I looked over at Winter and something came over me. This emotion that I had never felt before, the longing of another baby. Before, when people would ask, I would cringe at the thought of another child. The idea of it all made me feel sick to my stomach and full of fear. Postpartum depression hit my family like a banshee out of hell and I could not, would not, risk putting myself or my husband through that again. Fear would win in my mind, and for the longest time, I thought our family size of three could be complete.

But as she approached 20 months, I saw another child in my dreams. A boy, I think. And Winter and this other child were laughing. I knew that the dream, combined with that pull from the universe that I felt when I looked at her, were just the things I needed to feel comfortable trying for another baby.

So before we packed up for Hawaii, we tried. I was convinced that it would be as easy as one, two, three. We hadn't planned for Winter, so it hasn't really been in my mind frame that we could be like other healthy couples who take a few months to conceive. 

I packed a pregnancy test to take while we were out there and hid it from Perry. I imagined taking the test, hiding the positive test in our beach bag, and then casually pulling it out during one of our family outings. In my mind, it was perfect. 

So when I got my period the day of our one and only date night on the trip, I couldn't help but mourn (just a tad) that perfect pregnancy reveal I had pictured. I didn't get too overly emotional, as I also immediately thought about all the women who have infertility issues and would give anything to just have one child. I know I am beyond blessed. I know that in time, our family size will be revealed, and that I shouldn't worry. I just wanted to write down these thoughts, more so as a reminder. I want to remember that I was bummed out when my period came, and that feeling was actually reassuring in some way. The disappoint I felt acted like an affirmative from above, that I did, in fact, want another baby.

I probably won't write much else on the topic until either there is a positive pregnancy to announce or we change our minds and decide to only have one. I have had a dear friend who has struggled with miscarriages and infertility. I know that I am not anywhere near the same boat as her or the other women out there experiencing these difficulties. I don't mean to compare my very normal experience with those who have real, raw stories to tell. I just wanted to share this part of my journey, because it's actually so beyond exciting for me and my family to think about the idea of another baby. I hope that baby comes soon!

**Winter just came up to me and rubbed my belly. It's incredible how intuitive our children are. I think she may be trying to give us good juju for her future baby brother or sister. We shall see!

Photography by Brittany Renee